Sense of Self, Authenticity and Tiny Experiments

Sense of self

Something I have struggled with putting my finger on almost all my adult life is who I am. It's easy to define your life by the job or family roles you have ("I'm a father of 3" or "I'm a software engineer") but it is more difficult to pin point who you are outside of these socially given titles.

I think a lot of this challenge comes from always striving to be and do more and spending so much time "working" on myself and the activities I spent time doing that I never had a chance to sit and evaluate why I was doing it, or who I was doing it for.

Chris Williamson has spoken about how "You don't feel much until you slow down" but I also believe you can't get a deep sense of self without slowing down too. If you're constantly busy and spend little to no time reflecting on what you're doing it becomes a challenge to know whether you're doing things because you're kept in the momentum of doing them, or because they benefit you (in any sense).

Journaling has offered me the opportunity to start slowing down and thinking about what I have done in the day. I journal in the evenings, before bed, and although it has only been just over a week of time since starting, I feel more clarity and calm in my thoughts, a new sense of drive towards certain goals, and more understanding/accepting of my thoughts and feelings.

"Having a well-developed sense of self is hugely beneficial in helping us make choices in life. From something as small as favorite foods to larger concerns like personal values, knowing what comes from our own self versus what comes from others allows us to live authentically.” - How to Talk to Anyone About Anything (James W Williams)

Authenticity

We are born our most authentic selves. As a baby it doesn't bother you if your parents are sleeping, if you are hungry you'll wake them up. As we grow into toddlers this shows in the way we speak, often being brutally honest about someone's choice of clothing or whether you're proficient in a game (I remember being told by my cousin's daughter that I wasn't very good at a game she'd made up on the spot, from that day on she lost every game we played...).

We start our lives like this because children don't understand social dynamics as much. If taught they understand that elders are respected and you shouldn't walk around in public taking all your clothes off (although based on experiences with family and friends it appears toddler aged boys learn this sometime after girls do), but the idea of being confined to specific ways of dressing, talking and acting are often left until teenage years.

Once in secondary school this seems to change for a lot of young people. Suddenly there's all sorts of "pressure" coming from peers about everything from the type of phone you own and the age rating of video games you're allowed to play, to what sports you should pursue and how much your family should be spending on designer clothes and holidays. In the space of a few years we can go from living just as we like without much care what others say about it, to questioning every action and wondering whether this is "the done thing" or if you'll become a social pariah.

Studies show that this tends to peak at around 14 years old, after which we begin to "individuate" once more, finding our own identity but with some influence from others. This is when you start trying new styles of clothes, listening to bands your parents haven't even heard of, and reading new books. I was driving to work yesterday morning and along the route there were students walking to the local college, many of them with brightly coloured hair, just one display of individuality. You begin to become a new person all over again. After some time, the person you were in secondary school seems a lifetime ago.

Tiny Experiments

I was introduced to the idea of tiny experiments a couple of weekends ago while taking part in Ali Abdaal's Spark 2026 workshop. The session was run by Anne-Laure Le Cunff, author of "Tiny Experiments: How to Live Freely in a Goal-Obsessed World" and was truly inspiring.

The idea of tiny experiments is to step away from goals as we currently know them. Typical goals are linear based, the expectation is we will go from our current place to the goal in a straight line. There may be some deviation on route but essentially we will follow the path. The world isn't linear in nature, it is messy and can play havoc on linear goals thought of in this way. Anne-Laure instead suggests treating life as a scientist would; having an experimental mindset, being curious about everything you notice in life rather than a perfectionist mindset where you're less curious and more dedicated to being correct and proper.

Tiny experiments should be short term; anything from a week to a month, flexible; the world around us changes all the time, so can our experiments, and process based; you can't fail an experiment, you simply get data. By looking at life in this way you can start to see some fun in trying new things without the pressure of "failing" if you give it up after a few weeks. Rather than setting a resolution of "I will play tennis twice a week for a year" you can instead frame it is "I wonder if I will feel healthier playing tennis twice a week for a month". After the month you can evaluate the experiment, interrogate the results and come to a conclusion. Based on that conclusion you can choose your next experiment or action. If, after a month, you decide that while tennis is enjoyable there's a lot of collecting balls that have been hit out of the court, you may set your new experiment as "I wonder if padel with be more enjoyable than tennis" and set a new timeline for collecting data.

I've really enjoyed framing things in this way. My current Tiny Experiments are:

• Would I feel better if I chose food based on enjoyment and nourishment instead of convenience?
  • I've made a pact to only have fast food if I'm with other people
• Would I be more creative and/or productive if I journaled?
  • I've made a pact to journal every day for 2 weeks and evaluate the results
• Would I sleep better if I left my phone and laptops outside of my bedroom?
  • I've made a pact to charge my phone on my desk for 1 week (it's actually been almost 2 weeks now - time to evaluate the results!)