In My Mind 14 - Hedonic Treadmills, People Pleasing, and Emotional Decision Making

Hedonic Treadmill

It's easy to think that new material possessions will make us happy, or that an increase in salary will make our jobs feel more worthwhile and motivate us to do more. But in truth, this isn't the case. A study in America in 2010 found that people's wellbeing was at its highest at $75,000 per year as a salary, anything beyond this had no lasting change on their wellbeing or view of their life. This is because any other increase is subject to the Hedonic Treadmill.

Imagine you walk into work tomorrow and your line manager calls you into a meeting to discuss a pay rise. You leave the meeting full of excitement and a new drive to work harder. Over the next few weeks this drive starts to fade, and within a few months you feel exactly the same as you did just before the pay rise meeting, despite taking more money home each month. We, as humans, are incredibly skilled at moving back to a baseline of level of happiness. Though the pay rise improves our mood for a short period (probably caused more by the indirect link to career progression, achievement and feeling valuable in the workplace), over a longer period of time we become used to this new salary and slip back into "normal".

It's worth noting that this also works for negative emotions too. Over the course of your life you will likely lose members of your family, pets, and friends. In the moment the pain of this is excruciating but over a long period of time, you typically return back to your baseline emotion level, although this does vary between individuals.

People Pleasing

I am a serial people pleaser. The idea that something I do or say could upset someone or ruin their day is worrying for me. But I realise that it isn't that helpful and while people might enjoy being around you if you never cause them harm, I could be causing more harm to myself and limiting the level of relationship I have with those people.

Being a people pleaser is the constant pursuit of avoiding small levels of discomfort. You spend your whole life doing whatever causes the least friction, often putting other people's needs ahead of your own. If you believe saying "no" to someone's request is going to cause them discomfort or upset then you'll say "yes" even if you don't have the capacity, interest, or ability to carry out their request to the fullest. Chris Williamson and Nick Pollard discussed this on the Modern Wisdom Podcast coming to the conclusion that people pleasers aren't afraid of saying "no", instead they are afraid of not saying "yes". Saying "yes" makes you feel needed, wanted, and loved while saying "no" offers the opportunity for rejection and criticism.

If you constantly bow to other people's demands and requirements your own needs fall to the side, discarded and forgotten about until you hit burn out or illness. By advocating for your own needs you make it easier to give what others need in helpful doses. On planes, before take off, we are advised that If the cabin loses air pressure masks will drop from the ceiling to provide oxygen. In this event we should place our own masks on before helping anybody else, including children. Why is this? Well if you're able to sort your own oxygen mask out first you're in a stronger position to help others. If you try to help others first you will find yourself struggling to breathe, panicking, and making small mistakes due to rushing. Make sure your needs are accounted for first and then help others.

Without understanding your needs other people won't mind you being around them. At the end of the day, a lot of people enjoy having their needs listened to and cared for by others. But what you won't receive is a connection with that person. People pleasing is very transactional; I see a problem, I solve the problem. Relationships and connection are more than transactional, they require vulnerability and honesty. If you're constantly putting other's needs before yours you aren't being honest with them, thus limiting the level of connection you can have. Joe Hudson says "If I can't trust your no, I can't trust your yes". The idea is that if you aren't able to say no to me, then your yes isn't worth much. If you're able to say no, your yes becomes valuable because I know it's scarce.

Don't make decisions while your in your emotional brain

Our emotional brains are incredibly bad at making decisions. Whether it's fear, sadness or even joy, it is far more difficult to be objective about a decision with emotion getting in the way.
Evy Poumpouras says "when you're emotional, you are a bad decision maker. In that moment don't text, don't react, don't do anything other than stay silent and go into yourself for answers". It's very easy to make a split second decision fuelled by emotion and then in an hour or two regret that decision once you are able to think properly about all the factors that should be considered.

Joe Hudson also talks about this but uses the decision making process as a guide to show when we are feeling negative emotions. He says that it becomes obvious you are avoiding negative emotions if you having binary thinking, harsh judgement of others, and/or looping thoughts. By binary thinking he means the shrinking of available options to two extremes. For example if you're struggling at work you might reach the two extreme options of quitting or suffering through. In truth there are more options than this such as speaking to a manager to advocate for your needs or taking on the responsibility of changing the company culture such that its a more pleasant place to work.

It's important to understand that you are not your emotions. Just because you feel a certain way it doesn't mean you need to act or make decisions according to that emotion. As Evy says, take a moment, sit with the decision, clear the emotions out the way and come to an objective solution.