In My Mind 16 - Deferred Happiness Syndrome, Using the Right Fuel, Celebrating Small Wins

Deferred Happiness Syndrome

As humans we are naturally very good at wanting more. The Hedonic treadmill keeps us in a state such that any new thing that we thought would be a game changer in our lives becomes the new norm and we begin seeking more (I wrote about the Hedonic Treadmill here).

But by always wanting more we also start to tell ourselves "I will be happy when...". Whether the 'when' is getting a new job, buying a new car, or getting through a big project at work we defer our happiness to a point in the future and tell ourselves "that is when you can feel happiness". The problem with this is life is full of problems (as written about here) so when you complete the thing that you've set as the point of happiness, a new problem begins and suddenly your 'happiness date' gets moved. You begin a recurring pattern of reaching what you'd previously said would make you happy, being unhappy because of a new problem, setting a new target and working towards it. In practice this looks like "I'll be happy once I'm no longer unemployed" then "I'll be happy once I get a promotion in this job", then "I'll be happy once I've saved a house deposit", then "I'll be happy when all the work is done on the house I've bought" and so on, and so on.

Start recalling today the things that are currently in your life that you previously said would make you happy. Perhaps you have a family, a dream you had from a child. Perhaps you work in the industry you've always dreamed of. Perhaps you moved out of your parents' house. Look at these things and be grateful for what you have achieved. You could be stood in a position that you from 5 or 10 years ago could only dream about.

Use the right fuel at the right time

Anger can be a powerful motivator; trying to prove someone wrong who called you fat, lazy or useless has made several people athletes, strong workers and/or business owners. But anger can only be used temporarily, it isn't a sustainable fuel source.

Chris Bumstead (7 times Mr Olympia bodybuilding winner) reflected that for him to step into the gym for the first time there was probably some insecurities at play for him. He admits that over time his mindset shifted and he was then focused on getting bigger and better because he enjoyed it but he did admit that had he not had that at the start he probably wouldn't have been as successful because he wouldn't have had the same drive. This shows that although the insecurity got Chris in the gym, it wasn't sustainable enough to be the only fuel source to win 7 Olympias.

Chris Williamson talks about this idea in relation to Space Shuttles. They are built with several engines, each with a specific job. You have the Solid Rocket boosters which are used only for takeoff, the Main Engines which are used for ascent, and the Orbital Manoeuvring Engines used while in space and for coming back into Earth's atmosphere. Each engine has a use case, once used they are split from the shuttle. Think of anger as the Solid Rocket Boosters, it is great for getting you off the ground, but it won't get you into orbit. You need to find a separate fuel source, a healthier, more sustainable fuel source.

Celebrate small wins

I've been thinking more and more over the past few weeks about things we do as individuals that to us feel normal and easy that other people think of as near impossible or too effortful to be worthwhile. If you're someone who picks things up easily it can be difficult to empathise with someone for whom learning is harder. Similarly, it can be difficult to understand the value of the things you do frequently if they are things you've known about and done for a long time. Your perception of that activity has changed.

I use the gym as an example in a lot of my writing but for this it makes a lot of sense. For someone who has never step foot in a gym, completing 5 sessions of weight training a week feels like an impossible task, especially if you compound it with a healthy, balanced diet and 5am alarms. But for someone who has been waking up to a 5am alarm, going to the gym, completing 5 sessions of weight training a week, all supported by a balanced, healthy diet, this is the bare minimum. 0 missed sessions in a week becomes the barometer of success.

It's easy to see how this can soon become challenging in the perspective of being able to celebrate your wins. If you have high standards and stick to them to the majority of the time everything feels "too small to celebrate". But in truth, you're likely smashing past the goals other people set for themselves (this isn't to say that any goal someone sets is more or less worthy than others) and you're allowed to take account of that. You're allowed to check in with yourself, celebrate and be proud of the things you do daily that you don't always recognise.

Equally, you're allowed to celebrate things that feel "small". You got into work on time today despite being exhausted because the kids kept you up last night, celebrate. You got a pay rise at work, celebrate. You and your partner have been together for 1 year, celebrate. There are no accomplishments too small for you to celebrate. Society (especially UK society) has taught us that to celebrate you must achieve something big but if you achieve something too big society then turns on you and makes comments about how you are undeserving, working towards the wrong thing, or challenging the norm too much. So screw society. Decide what you want to celebrate and celebrate it wholeheartedly.