In My Mind 20 - Our parents aren't perfect, The present should be protected, and Having a growth mindset

Our parents aren't perfect, but that's okay

I was having a conversation last weekend with a father of over 20 years and one just a couple of months in. We spoke about our own childhoods as well as the changes that happen when you become a parent and I had the realisation that, other than the baby itself, you don't instantly become a different person the moment you have a child. 

Something that became more obvious as the conversation continued was how we perceive our parents in comparison to our friends. For example, when recounting experiences from our childhood it's easy to talk about negative events, judging our parents for their actions and how they affected us later in life. As if our parents should have had a crystal ball to look into ahead of every decision, analysed the impact of the decision they're about to make, and then made the one best suited to our futures. Yet, I notice I don't hold these same expectations of my friends who have recently become parents. They're the same people they were just a year ago but with a small human to keep alive.

It's as if our expectations of our own parents are higher than anyone else. We expect them to guide and protect us through anything life throws our way, forgetting that they're also humans trying to fight through their own set of life's challenges. I think this comes from the fact that our parents are the first authority figures in our lives. They set and enforce the rules and as such are seen as the oracle in terms of right and wrong. So when their behaviours fall outside of 'right', we hold them to a much stricter view than we would our friends.

The present should be protected

Humans are the only animals in the world capable of the thoughts we have. Dogs don't spend their lives ruminating on past decisions, or endlessly longing for a better future. We're the most intelligent species on the planet, but perhaps dogs have something over us in that respect; they don't waste the present moment concerning themselves with things that have happened and cannot change (the past), or things that haven't happened and may never actually happen (the future). When you come home from work after a long day your dog doesn't sit and ruminate on why they were left alone in the first place, they come to your side with a wagging tail, wanting to spend the time they have now with you.

I know from personal experience how easy it is for life to fly past while you spend time thinking of all things you want to do in the future, or the things you'd change from your past if you had the chance. All the while missing out on the amazing things happening right now, taking time with friends and family for granted, not fully engaged because your mind is elsewhere.

Take more time to be present in your life and with the people around you. You can never be sure how long they will be around, treat every moment with them as if it were a gift to be protected.

Having a growth mindset

There are two widely recognised states of mind when it comes to our abilities. There's a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. If you were to have a fixed mindset, you would believe that what you know now and the skills you have, is set and will only ever be this way for the rest of your life. If you were to have a growth mindset instead, you'd believe that no matter your current age or life situation, you have the ability to learn more, adapt, and achieve more and more as time goes on. These are two extremes of the same line and you can fall in the middle or consider yourself to have a growth mindset in some aspects of life while remaining fixed in others. For example, you may believe that your ability in a sport is set (or declining) but you're very accepting that you could learn more and progress within your professional life. A lot of people will fall in this middle area where some aspects of their lives are fixed, while others can be expanded and grow. It's important to be present enough in the moment to reflect on your thoughts and feelings behind each aspect of your life, take account of whether you're fixed or growth minded and question why.

I've always been a fan of personal development. From a very early age I enjoyed learning and would spend time watching VHS tapes explaining how firefighters were deployed to a variety of situations and their methods for dealing with different types of fires. I reckon if I were to watch that video again now, 20 years on, I'd be able to recall almost every second as it was happening. I just enjoyed knowing things. I was that 'annoying' child always asking why; I wanted to understand. This served me well in my adult life; I always look for more information, never being satisfied with the amount I know now and wanting to learn more and push the boundaries of my own abilities, of my own knowledge. Because of this, I have been able to do some amazing things. I took thirty-six 14-18 year olds to South Korea for three weeks. Did I have the full skill set for that when I applied? No. I learned, I pushed myself, and, even through some challenges none of us could foresee, we had an incredible time on what is likely to be a once in a lifetime trip. Had I looked at my knowledge set when applying and considered it set in stone for the rest of my life, there's no way I would have put my name forward. It's only by having the mindset of being able to grow, that I felt confident in my ability (current and future) to take on the role.